Motherhood

Joy Stealers

When I was a senior in high school my uncle Steve was killed in a car accident. The following Sunday I was singing in the praise team at church and I remember my pastor’s wife coming to me and saying that she could just see the joy of the Lord in me, even on a day of tragedy.

All these years later and her words still stick with me. I often think, can others see the joy of the Lord in me?   Can my children? Can my husband? When I think of Joy I think of something deeper than happiness.  While happiness is often fleeting, joy remains when hard times come.  We are not going to be happy every minute of the day, but we can choose deep joy because we have Jesus. We have joy because of His love for us.  We know all of this true.

Yet, if we know this to be true, why on a daily basis do we choose to curl up in our own little sad shell and not be joyful?  One word, idolatry. My husband often says, “the root of all sin is idolatry and the root of idolatry is radical self-centeredness and selfishness. It’s wanting what we want more than what God wants.”

On any given day there are several boxes I like to check off on my “happy list”. My list can vary but the items consistently include- time in the morning to be quiet and read, time to exercise uninterrupted, good coffee beans in my possession, time to get ready and not feel like a slob, a good breakfast, time to pick up said good breakfast, happy children, happy children who are helpful and not arguing. While this is all well and good on the surface it can become dangerous when the very things that contribute to our happiness, begin to steal our joy when they are unmet.

We have a word for the things in life that we allow to give us meaning, value and purpose that we should only derive from Jesus. Idols. What we are saying when we allow our joy to be dictated by the things on our happy list is that they are more important than what we know to be true in King Jesus.

Do I get to be short tempered with my kids because my morning didn’t go just how I like?  No.  Choosing grumpiness is not just selfishness, but idolatry. If I am letting all of my “wants” cause my attitude to be sour than I am no better off then my 1,3,5 and 7 year olds.  Sometimes it feels impossible to reset the day when everything is not going correctly.

Yet, in those moments, rather than being crushed I can lift up my day, attitude and frustrations to my Heavenly Father OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I know that I can’t be the mother and the wife He has called me to be without complete reliance on him.

Friends, we shouldn’t allow our circumstances to be joy stealers! Every day I have to remind myself that the moments of crabbiness, sleepiness and immaturity on behalf of my kids and myself are part of mothering/parenting and this is what I am called to do right now. If I lose joy over little things such as this, how am I any different then one of my children who might throw themselves on the floor when they are upset?

I am begging the Lord for His joy to take over my day and my attitude.  I am asking for His unwavering love to be present when I have let too much of myself in the way.

Quick side note.. as a mom I know that I do need to take care of myself.  I do need to take time to do things that feed my soul which in turn make me a better mother, wife, friend. My point is when you have those moments, soak them up and be refilled!  Other times though lets put aside our selfish ways and love like Jesus.  I pray that the Joy of the Lord flows out of me even if I am in yesterdays clothes, eating cereal and stuck inside playing kitchen for the billionth time.  This is what I signed up for.  Lord, let all of You pour out of me.  I want the Joy of the Lord to be seen in me, even inside my house when the door is closed.

 

Marriage 12 plus years in

It’s funny how after 12 plus years of marriage I can still feel “new” at this whole wife thing. I mean, how long do you have to live in a role to have it figured out? One would think twelve years is long enough to work out all the kinks.

Why is grace so hard to give to my husband? When I have a decent day with my kids, why do the struggles I have come out in resentment towards him when he comes home and I refuse to be loved? Why is welcoming the praises difficult, when choosing negativity isn’t?

I have an idea, and it’s not new or original. Our family is under attack by an enemy who wants to destroy us. I wake up in the morning and try to squeeze in as much Truth from the Word as I can before little ones awake. I read of grace and truth and the Love of the Father, and I can FEEL IT and I KNOW IT! I feel embraced by truth and grace. I count my gifts and I pray to be a blessing. Then little ones awake, the day really gets going. I strive and I strive and I fill needs. I push down frustration and I clean messes. I make meals and I sing of Jesus love with my kids while we unload the dishwasher. I teach and discipline and then my dear one comes home and it is like I just can’t do it any longer. Without even trying, a wall is built between he and I because I’m tired and I’m broken and it’s just hard.

Twelve plus years in and we are still learning how to communicate. We probably will always be adjusting. I am begging the Lord for His grace. I pray that I hear the words of my husband and that I stop to let him hug me. I am praying that I look for opportunities to put my hands on his tired shoulders. I want these walls torn down. Resentment is not what I want filling my heart. The kids and I talk almost daily about the fruits of the Spirit. We talk and pray that our hearts would overflow with peace, love, joy, kindness, goodness and self control. We have some amazing days and then we have some very real days. I couldn’t ask for a better man to go through hard things with. I pray that I wouldn’t only think that is true, but I would believe it and say it.

Sweet Spots

Yes… I do post lots of pictures of the best moments of my day. Why? Because I think we need that reminder sometime.

Real life in my house is always messy, lots of sibling fights, short remarks I make to my husband after a long day with the kids. Real life is me trying to keep my eyes open to make it through another lesson… Opening the fridge at 5:30 and thinking what on earth will I make for dinner when remnants of school and snacks liter the kitchen ( along with ALL the Tupperware on the floor… By my 14 month old😉).

I get so tired and the kids are needy and I’m needy…

But then a great moment happens and I snap a picture because right along with the crazy is the beauty. We just have to stop and recognize it.

Happy Mother’s Day to all those mothering. To those serving, loving and giving day after day.

Don’t forget to find the beautiful in the mess. I’m not trying to hide my mess from anyone. Just trying to remember all the sweet spots.

Choosing what is real

As I sit in a coffee shop I’m pondering authenticity. In a world where fake is everywhere, it can be difficult to decipher what is real.This coffee shop doesn’t mess around. My plate came out with bread that went through a slow process of refinement by the hands of people I can see as I write. The eggs and bacon…(oh the Bacon!) are freshly fried. Even the jam is perfectly crushed from fresh fruit. It is wonderful.

Does it cost a little more? Yes. Did I have to wait? Of course.

In this moment though, I wonder why I would ever want to settle for less. What is there to gain from rushing through life? Why do we choose to fuel ourselves, mind, body, and soul with things that aren’t real?

I challenge you to experience something real today.

Get outside. Have a conversation with someone in person. Make something from scratch and actually enjoy the process and the mess. Write something by hand.

Don’t settle for a high-fructose filled life, when God made sugar and called it good! Seek to find the “real” amongst the everyday.

When I take the time and search for what is real amongst the fake, I am constantly reminded of Christ, His goodness, His Love, His Mercy. I am reminded of the gifts He gives us every single day.

A few gifts I’m thankful for today…

  1. alone time with my eldest daughter.
  2. a long talk last night with my husband even though our kids were still awake
  3. sunshine in the early morning after several mornings of rain
  4. being outside of my house for a little bit this morning and reminded of life happening outside my walls
  5. hot coffee in a ceramic mug
  6. learning with my kids on the back porch

Everyday we choose. Everyday we choose to either seek after what is real, or settle for what is false. Today, and hopefully tomorrow, I choose real.

30

To my 20 year old self on my 30th birthday…

So you are turning 20.  I remember it well.. Living in that tiny apartment.  You felt so lonely.  Matt was taking lots of classes at the seminary and you wondered if it was worth all the time you were spending alone.  (Heads up.. It totally was).

You are still feeling uneasy in your new city.  It’s not quite been a year since you moved.. And man was it a hard year.  Your parents divorced and the pain has been unreal.  You aren’t sure if life will feel normal again. (Heads up…It totally will)

During this last decade, I’ve learned that life changes and it changes fast.  I know change doesn’t come easy for you, but embrace it.  Big things will come if you open yourself up to something different and new.

So heads up… You are actually going to move again; no not 1/2 a block to a different apartment, (the pool is awesome!), but to a small town to plant a church.  I know you are thinking.. Plant a church?!  We haven’t even talked about that.. But God has a plan for you. You will plant a church and meet some amazing people.. You will learn so much about ministry and what it means to offer hospitality and listen to people who are going through hard things.  You’ll even start to understand why you have experienced certain trials.. Just so you can speak truth, love extravagantly and have a good ear.  You will buy a house, Matt will finish seminary and you’ll even have your first daughter.  (First?! Oh yes.. Just the first one)

The road will get bumpy and through some hard praying this season and this church will close.  It will be hard, but you will have a peace.  God will still be at work.  You will learn that growing and gaining wisdom doesn’t come without a price.

You’ll move out of that first house a bit more west with your now 3 year old daughter; 1 year old son and a new baby girl in your tummy.  (3?!). Those early days of feeling lonely are getting much better.  You’ve begun to realize your need for community and an amazing group of people live close by.  You feel a deep calling from the LORD to go.. So you go.

Side note… Embrace community! It’s much harder having friends as an adult but it is worth the effort.  Put yourself out IMG_0275there.. Open up and let people in.

Life is crazy.  Life with three children is a lot.  You will love to be home but your relationship with Matt will struggle.  In these long days you will have to learn more than ever to seek the Lord together and put your relationship as a top priority.  He needs you.. Not your leftovers. Love him well and remember what started it all.  Encourage him. Listen to him. Hug him tight.

Raising kids takes a lot physically and mentally .  Enjoy it though.  Soak up the story times, cuddles, rounds of Bingo and kitchen play. By the time you are almost 30 Your first little girl is  going to be in second grade , Your son a kindergartner, your Ruby girl  will be 2 1/2 and little Evie, 3 months.  (Yes you will have 4 kids!). You will need breaks though.. Don’t feel guilty about going to get a little time for yourself now and then.  You have to take care of yourself to be a good mom.  Surround yourself with people who are an encouragement to you.  You need that more than ever during these years.

Also, your day is going to be filled with difficult moments, although it will feel like your day is ruined, just take a deep breath and keep going. I know you feel any negativity ruins the whole day.  It doesn’t have to.

God is going to stretch you.  You will not always understand.  Seek the Lord… Love your husband.. Enjoy watching your kids as they grow and learn (did I forget to mention you will homeschool?!) Your 20s will be your best yet. Enjoy them.. Don’t waste them.  Be teachable. You don’t know everything yet.

There is so much more I want to tell you, but…You need a few surprises!image

Love,

Yourself.. On the day you turn 30

Reflection

shadowMy oldest daughter raced down the hallway of our hotel in a rage.  She felt “shorted” and was refusing to come into our room with us.  It was 4 pm and our day had been filled with many emotional breakdowns from each of the kids.  I was tired and hungry and ready to relax, but now once again I had to “parent”.  I wanted to yell! I started back down the hall and somehow gained enough composure to direct her back towards our room in a way she responded to.

I wish I had all the answers.  I’m amazed how right when I seem to have one stage “figured out”, moments later I am slapped in the face with something new and seemingly more difficult.  Matt said that sometimes parenting four kids can feel like a twisted version of “Press your Luck” with the accompanying whammies coming in the form of a very fussy 2 month old,  an unreasonable toddler who shrieks a lot, a preschooler who is grumpy and hard to please and finally, the grade schooler with extreme attitude flare ups. It’s all hard.  I hate not knowing if I’m saying the right thing or handling the situation in the way that will reap the best results.

During our family devotion today we were read these words in James 1:23-24 “if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face in a mirror. For he looks at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what kind of man he was”.

This got me thinking..  In the difficult moments (Which seem to be so often) am I forgetting what kind of person I am? Am I a hearer and not a doer?
I might not always have the right answer.  I might not always know what I should say to move past where we are, but in my moments of uncertainty as a parent, am I still a reflection of Christ? In my discipline, is there love? In my truth, is there kindness? In my redirection, is there self control?

This morning we shared with the kids basic skills to help us remember our reflection of Jesus; reading God’s word and prayer. Yet, if these skills are so “basic” how do we as parents so often forget? I  have been convicted about how often I am in prayer for my children.

It can become so easy to excuse each emotional moment our kids have as a “stage” and just assume it will pass. Yet, when we do this we fool ourselves into believing we have no control over the situation and worst of all miss out on opportunity to bless our children and grow ourselves. Friends, we are not powerless, we need to pray.

When your toddler is struggling with tantrums, pray that God will help her to learn to obedience.  When your 6 year old is emotional, pray that she will have peace.  When your preschooler is moody, pray that God will fill his heart with joy that can only come from Him.

Pray when you get ready in the morning.
Pray when you brush your daughters hair..
Pray during a diaper change,  while folding laundry or cooking dinner…
Pray while you lay next to your child or when you give them a bath..

Friends, let’s be a reflection of Jesus, not just in our hearing, but also in our doing.

Monday Morning

I admit mornings are hard for me.  Not necessarily the getting up, but my expectation of what I hoped the morning would bring.

In my mind the morning brings exercise, devotion, shower, and a house clean and picked up, ready for the day. Yet, the reality most mornings is a 2 year old who gets up early every day and wants to be held, a nursing baby and typically a couple rather grumpy kids.  It’s usually a little crazy getting breakfast on the table and then there are beds to be made, a dishwasher to unload and breakfast spills to clean up. The kids need help getting dressed, they want my attention and are ready to play, the baby wants to nurse again and we should really start school.

It’s already 930 or later and my expectation of an ideal morning is not a reality once again. Or is that the case?  I’ve said before I chose these kids and in doing so I chose messes and much less time for myself BUT i also chose so much more. I chose those early morning snuggles with my little ones.  I chose getting to feed my family and make memories around the breakfast table.  I chose teaching children how to get up and get ready and begin their day in Gods word.  I chose to educate my kids.  Forming habits in my kids takes time. It takes consistency.  It takes repeating these steps every morning.

My kids are watching me as well.  How am I responding when things don’t go exactly my way?  I know how my kids respond.  I’ve been guilty so many times for getting upset at my kids for having a bad attitude and yet.. How was my attitude that day? So maybe your morning isn’t going how you prefer.. It is Monday after all.  Do what you can to adjust.  If there isn’t time to be in Gods word, pray or turn on a worship song.  If there isn’t time to exercise, plan to take a walk later on.

If you don’t have time for a shower…Put on fresh clothes and some mascara! 🙂

The day isn’t over at 9:30 AM.  This whole parenting thing isn’t a sprint.  There’s no way to get everything done in a short amount of time.  It’s much more like a marathon.  So, set a steady pace for yourself for the day, make some goals and enjoy. There are going to be bumps and detours.. Frustrations and even tears.  That’s just part of the adventure.  The reality of unmet expectation serve as a great reminder of our deep need of Jesus.

So lean on Him, hug your kids, turn on some music and Have a Happy Monday everyone!

Quick Date

mandj1Last night Matt and I went out for a quick date to a local coffee shop.  It was only for 2 hours but for 2 hours we had a chance to breathe. I spend most of my hours mothering so it can be hard to remember at times another very important role… Being Matt’s wife. In Genesis 2, God tells us a man ‘leaves his wife and mother and cleaves to his wife, making them one flesh [paraphrase]. My leaving and cleaving come before my mothering.

Our current season is very full caring for our little ones but that is not an excuse for ignoring the relationship that started it all… 11 1/2 years ago! Early on Matt and I went on dates all the time,  prayed and studied the Bible together, we sent lots of emails and texts, physical touch was a large part of our relationship.  Then kids came and these things that we loved to do together became much more difficult.

It’s so easy to give our spouse our leftovers.

One of my biggest struggles is being grumpy at Matt if the kids are giving me a hard time.  He calls during the day to check on me and it’s easy to snap and be short. Often, the last thing I want is to be touched after I’m touched all day, so when Matt touches my shoulder I pull away. These are realities I’m trying to overcome.

Matt and I need to be connected to make this family run.  We have to be on the same side. So when he calls and it’s crazy at home I need to remind myself that this isn’t his fault.  He’s on my side. When he comes behind and touches me I need to remind myself… He needs touch too.  He’s been working all day.  He misses me.  We need to be close to stay connected.

When I think of him I need to let him know. When he leaves I need to give him a kiss.

We still need to pray together. We still need to laugh together. We still need to send encouraging texts and notes. We still need to be close.

And believe me… Just because I say “we need” does not mean I currently am. Our date last night was wonderful and we will have many, many more. About a year ago we committed a line item in our budget for that express purpose.  We knew that spending our money on regular times for us to be alone together was as vital as putting gas in our car and food in the fridge. It is impossible for our family to grow in strength, if the very foundation is crumbling.

So, remember what started it all but know it will be different now … and that’s ok.  The growing part isn’t always easy but things that are worth it seldom are.

Mother’s Day 2016

I woke up this morning to my 2 youngest in bed with me.  Soon after that my husband and Gracie brought in a wonderful breakfast, coffee and gifts.  I wore my handmade jewelry (gifts from my 2 oldest) to church today and have felt loved by countless drawings and notes.

It’s Mothers Day.

I’ve learned something over these years of celebrating Mother’s Day as a mom myself.  This day does not have to be perfect to be special. I don’t have to sit and do nothing today to feel loved and refreshed.  Today is a day to be thankful, to hug your kids tight and to remember what a gift this whole journey is.

Four times my stomach has stretched wide to carry my children.  My body now looks different and more worn. Yet, through those long months of pregnancy came my little Gracie, Levi, Ruby and Evie. My kids are not an inconvenience and I’m not missing out on anything because of them.  I chose them and I continue to choose them each day. I am not doing something unique or anything deserving of a medal. I’m just getting up one day at a time.  I’m making meals, cleaning messes, teaching reading and math and trying to point my little ones to Jesus. In this season of life there isn’t a lot of time for myself, and that’s ok.  I know this is a season.  I know that babies don’t keep and these years go fast.

I’ve been given 4 amazing gifts and I do not take this job lightly.  I’m here to teach, love, train, nourish and guide… I’m also hear for lots of hugs and back scratches, tickles and songs.

I’m a mom.  I’m so thankful.

Sometimes being a mother and it’s subsequent work can cause mothers to complain about daily life about the fact that we don’t have time to be selfish. And I get it… Motherhood is hard!  The days certainly are long and sometimes feel impossible.

But rather than seeing our kids as ornery little mess makers.. Let’s see them as ones seeking to find security in something.  They need us.  They need to be directed.  Can you believe God gave us this privilege, this incredible and unique privilege of Motherhood? To lead, shepherd and guide these little ones was given to us by God.

I pray we can see past the present situation and that we can see the bigger picture.  I pray that rather than complaining about our children, we pray for them.  I pray we use this season wisely with our kids. I do pray though that my other mom friends get a chance to breathe today.  Moments of rest make us better mothers. So let’s soak up our kids.  Let’s read books, play a game, go for a walk and really listen to them. And then Maybe take a nap or go get yourself a special coffee;) Happy Mothers Day everyone!

one of “those days”…

Last week I had a couple of really tough days.  The kids were extra difficult and my attitude was extra sour.   I just felt so frustrated.

As I loaded the laundry one morning with tears In My eyes…and picked up my house harboring anger and frustration… All I could think was, “Didn’t I just do this?? Isn’t this all I do? I just need a break!!”

When talking with my husband, he reminded me of how Paul talked about “those days”  in Ephesians 5… when he tells us to make the most of every opportunity ‘because the days are evil.”

Some days it feels impossible to “make the most of every opportunity” when we really feel like we just need a break though… A break that we aren’t going to get.  Some days we  have to persevere…. And on those  days I’m reminded of my very real need for Jesus. Those days I think and pray to Him through my teary frustration..  “Make me like you!”

When the yelling between kids won’t stop…Make me like you!

When the messes pile up more and more…Make me like you!

When it is taking every ounce of energy to calm a fussy baby…Make me like you!

So maybe that is why “those days” exist. Right now “those days”  with my children are my mission field.  The days are not always easy as our children are sinners in need of a Savior just like us… But This is what God is calling us to.  In Matthew 25:35 Jesus tells us:  

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.

If clothing the naked and feeding the hungry isn’t parenthood, I don’t know what is!

Parents, in our every day let us remember that our service to our children is service to our King! And in this sacrificial service we are the ones being changed, molded and refined to look more like Jesus.So today when we make yet one more pb and j.. Fold one more load of laundry and read the same story again and again.. Let’s do it with the love of Christ.

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